The fine line between ambition and perfectionism – and why women fall into the trap

Perfectionism is insidious. On paper, you look like you’re crushing it – you’ve got experience, academic accolades, glowing references. But internally, you feel like you’re one step away from everything falling apart, and every small mistake sends you into a panic spiral.

Being a ‘high achiever’ and being a perfectionist look very similar. High achievers are driven by growth and mastery, and enjoy the process of learning and self-development. This can be true of perfectionists, but there is one key difference. Their primary motivator is a fear of failure and of judgement.

Cheryl Kennedy MacDonald, psychotherapist and founder of Female-Focused Therapy, works with high-functioning individuals on a daily basis. “They can look very similar from the outside, but the motivation is different,” she explains.

“A driven person wants to do well. They care, work hard and probably set themselves high standards, but they can still make a mistake, learn from it and just move on. A perfectionist often feels they have to do well. It’s less about enjoying achievement and more about avoiding failing, criticism or shame. A driven person’s work matters. A perfectionist’s work feels like proof of their worth.”

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is on the rise, which is unsurprisingly in a digital world where everything is perfectly curated. It’s a multi-dimensional phenomenon; it can stem from within (self-oriented), projected onto others (other-oriented) or absorbed from those around us (socially prescribed). Whatever the form, the impact can be devastating for our mental health – blinding us to our achievements, while leading us to set impossible targets.

Although being driven is no bad thing, perfectionism drives extreme self-criticism, stress, exhaustion, burnout, anxiety, depression and even suicidal ideation. Perfectionists’ external accomplishments are intrinsically connected to our sense of self-worth, so any perceived failure feels devastating. They also tend to have ‘all or nothing’ thinking, and see things as either a total success or complete failure.

Belinda Jane Batt, a positive psychology coach and author of Challenge Your Guilt: How to Flourish in Motherhood, Work and Life, says someone who is driven may aim high, make mistakes, course-correct, and still retain a sense of their own worth. “For a perfectionist, mistakes can feel more threatening because their performance has become entangled with identity, approval and their sense of self-worth,” she says.

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Why women are more likely to be perfectionists

Interestingly, women are generally more likely to fall into the perfectionist trap. Exactly why this is, is up for debate. Women in professional and male-dominated spaces often face stricter scrutiny, requiring flawless execution just to be seen as competent. A single mistake can feel disproportionately consequential, reinforcing the belief that excellence isn't enough and only perfection will do. Over time, these external expectations can become internalised, creating a relentless drive to prove themselves.

Social conditioning also plays a role, says Kennedy MacDonald. From an early age, girls are rewarded for being well-behaved, accommodating, organised and high-achieving. These messages send the message that their value lies in meeting expectations rather than expressing needs, taking risks or making mistakes.

“Girls are still praised for being good, helpful, capable and easy to manage,” she says. “Lots of women grow up believing they should cope with doing everything, keep everyone else happy and never need too much for themselves. It may look like ambition, but it can also be fear of letting people down.”

What we do know is that perfectionism often stems from childhood, sometimes as a result of frequent criticism, or a lack of validation. The brain rewires, so small mistakes feel like major threats and fuel relentless pressure.

How to stay driven without tipping into perfectionism

The aim isn’t to stop caring or lower your standards, but to stop using achievement as a measure of whether you’re good enough.

“Before starting something, decide what ‘done’ actually looks like,” says Kennedy MacDonald. “Perfectionists tend to keep moving the goalposts, so it helps to agree with yourself in advance what a solid, good-enough result is.”

It can also help to ask yourself why you’re doing something. Is it to receive validation or approval from someone else, or to prove to yourself that you’re worthy? “Ask yourself if the goal you’re pursuing is genuinely meaningful to you, or if you’re pursuing it because you’re afraid of failing,” says Batt.

"For a perfectionist, mistakes can feel more threatening because their performance has become entangled with identity, approval and their sense of self-worth."

Belinda Jane Batt, positive psychology coach

Allowing small amounts of imperfection helps too. Send an email after checking it once, or share an idea before you’ve completely figured it out. “Let someone else do something differently from you. This is teaching your nervous system that getting something slightly wrong is uncomfortable, but OK,” adds Kennedy MacDonald.

This is easier said than done when the ‘risk of failure’ alarm bells are ringing in your head. That's where deep breathing and relaxation techniques can help, calming your body's stress response and making it easier to think clearly and respond more effectively.

However, perfectionism can be so deeply ingrained that therapy is often the most effective way to unpick its roots, whether they lie in early childhood experiences, trauma, learned beliefs, or other life experiences that have shaped how we see ourselves and our worth.

“Healthy ambition still leaves room for rest, mistakes, curiosity and being a normal human being,” says Kennedy MacDonald. “Perfectionism doesn’t.”

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